Redefining Perfect

Shades of the past linger here
Through time and distance and space

Our ‘pool’ was bigger,
A lake, a pool, a far distant place

The joy is the same,
The splashing,  the laughter, the fun

Soaking up the days
Enjoying every moment in the sun

Tomorrow comes too fast
Yesterday becomes just a dream

Until you see it in your own
And a new yesterday begins to gleam

Six months ago I spoke of a chance
A chance that I was afraid to take.
Afraid of another disappointment,
Afraid to come up empty again.

It took me six months, but I took the leap at one more chance for answers. When we met with the pediatrician last week I asked her to make the appointment.  One last specialist, one last chance.

If this one doesn’t have the answers, I’ll have nothing left to grasp for.  The only other option is one we must discuss thoroughly because following that path could destroy the strong foundation we have created for her care.

In a few months we’ll go and see and hold our breath and pray for answers. Pray that this doctor has the key to our Angel’s past and future.

I was heading out to get my pop tonight and caught just a glimpse of the sky.  I rushed back to grab my camera, knowing that a better view was to be had up the road just a wee bit.  So I headed out and snapped away.  I have TONS of pictures, but this is the one I’m going to make a print of…it’s so gorgeous all the way! 

Weekly Winners is the brainchild of the wonderfully Sarcastic Mom, Lotus

All of these pictures were taken on 6/19/09.  Indiana had a severe storm and I hunkered down with my camera and took quite a few.  I used my Canon Rebel XTi.  Some of them seem blurry because the wind was so strong it was impossible to stay perfectly still – and with it being so dark, the shutter speed was slow.

All of these pictures were taken at 9ish, so it was dark…all of the light comes from the lightning that was constantly flashing!!

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I went to WalMart to pick up a few odds and ends.

Indiana was under a severe storm alert.

When I got to the parking lot I sat there watching the storm roll in, trying to get some lightning pictures with my camera (only one relatively successful one. Need to remember my tripod next time). 

By the time I finally headed inside the tornado sirens were going off and the wind was kicking up something fierce.  I headed inside as two guys walked up with a hard-top from a truck bed between them – cracked and ripped off the truck it had been on.

I heard the manager on the radio telling other employees to make sure no one else left the store by any door and to get everyone to the middle of the store.

Everyone in the store – full carts, empty carts, paid for bagged up products, and employees alike gathered in the middle of the store.  Some people were freaking out crying, others  just leaning on clothes racks bored…and just about everyone on cell phones.

Twenty minutes later we got the all-clear and the manager called off the “code black.” 

A tornado had touched down a little north of us and was heading right toward us (according to NWS)…but we didn’t get hit. 

When I left WM about 30 minutes later there were cars lined up in the no parking zone, people on phones with their insurance agents.  One car with the rear windshield blown out, the truck that had lost the bed top, and a couple others. 

So tonight was not my average trip to WM.  It was far different…

Two weeks ago, school was over.  The last day was a Thursday – and it was all over.  Brandon finished fifth grade (next year he’ll be in middle school!). 

The past few years I’ve dreaded the last day of school.  For Brandon it was like a punishment to be told to play outside. He sat around the house and moped.  He would go and spend days and weeks with the in-laws just to escape the boredom that was being home.

But in the past year the neighborhood that I’ve always loved has gotten even better.  There’s been an influx of kids (and dogs – everyone got puppies this year) and I can’t get Brandon to come home to eat any of his meals!

There is nothing I like more than a neighborhood full of kids my son’s age on a street with no free traffic (very little traffic at all)!!  It’s so wonderful that he has so many friends to play with!

Nowhere.

Up until now bribery has had no effect in our massive attempst to potty train.  They are not interested.  Well, they ARE interested in the prize. Riley asks me at least once a week about the tinkerbell hats.

But they aren’t interested in what it takes to GET those hats.

Today I threw in the towel.

I know they’re old enough.

I know that THEY know EXACTLY what they’re doing – they are just being stubborn.

I refuse to put diapers on them.  I’m done.

I’m going to be doing a LOT more laundry during this battle of wills.

I’m hoping that treating them like big girls will make them act as such.

Either that or I’ll end up in the funny farm.

Excuse me while I go have an aneurysm.

For the week of 6/1-6/7/09
Weekly Winners is the brainchild of the wonderfully Sarcastic Mom, Lotus

I had a photo shoot with the girls, got some new pictures of the dog, and finally figured out how to take a good moon shot. A couple other random pictures thrown in…

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And we had a recent bout of storms. I started to worry when I saw this forming – but it dissipated just as fast. I have it set to a slide show so you can watch the progression!

And that’s it! It’s good to be back. Took me long enough Hopefully I’ll keep with it this time!

On and off like clockwork, every six months, I look for you.  I google you, your old screen name, your real name, your maiden name.  I wonder how you are. I wonder where your life is now. 

For a long time I never found you.  Old journal entries, old youtube videos, but never anything recent.

Today I found you. Now and here and present. You’re on facebook. I stare at the picture of you and your husband and my heart breaks.

There are days that I miss you so terribly I cry. There are days that I’m so angry at myself for letting things fall apart the way they did.  There are days that I’m furious with you for pushing us away. 

We still talk about you…at times melancholy, and at times angry. 

My heart aches and my mouse hovers over the ’send message’ button. Even if I could push past my own pride, what would I say? It has been two years this month since things came to an end between us. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t easy. I still have a hole in my heart where you used to reside.  It’s still an open wound, jagged and raw.

Do you think of us? Do you search for us?  Do you miss us?  Or did you just stop caring all together? Are we just a distant memory that annoys you?

I still wonder what happened.  How such a friendship could crumble. Why you feared that WE would be mad at the path your life took? Of all people. Why you felt that you couldn’t trust us with the truth. Why we didn’t search for it sooner. Could things have ended differently if we’d spoken up months before we did?  Or if we’d just remained blindly ignorant and let things totally slide by.

I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with the roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass threads or frost-work, but the solidest thing we know.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Was our friendship real?  If it was, how could it end like that?

Yesterday morning I was feeling positive.  My novel was gettin good response from my readers, I was getting things done for the writing blog I have about said novel, the girls potty training was on a good run, I’d finally scheduled appointments for the dog and the girls’ checkups, I’d made a commitment here to post every day this month…Things were on an upswing.

In a matter of an hour it all changed. 

The idiot webhost I HAD (solidinternet – do not EVER use them) once again had my site down.  In the past two weeks it’s been an almost constant state. 

The SUPER idiot “tree service” the local power company hired to trim back the trees DESTROYED my tree (sheered one side clean off), AND broke my clothes line.

My website continued to be down for the count. 

I found a replacement webhost that ooked very positive.  My BFF and I agreed to switch together to a server that we could load all of our sites into and planned the switch…I thought things were looking up…

But the transfer went kerflooey and at 2AM last night I was ready to completely give up…and did.  I went to bed and just gave up.

This morning the Jess was able to save my sites and restore them to full glory (such as they are).

Then I had to take the dog to the vet.  Not a big deal normally. 

My dog gets carsick. On the way to the vet there was a minor incident, but barely.  On the way home (a 20 minute ride approximately) she threw up TREMENDOUSLY five minutes in.  On the rest of the way home she walked through it, sat in it, laid in it, ate it…got it all over my truck.  I got home, managed to get her out of the car and tried to take her out back to clean up…missed the edge of the sidewalk and went down – totally wrenched my ankle.

Now I’m sitting on the couch with my ankle iced and elevated. Archie’s been wonderful, getting me pop and pizza before I disappeared.

After a day of (unfinished) cleaning, it’s nice to rest…but there’s still so much to do.  I hate getting interrupted like that. 

Well, after one day of hell I’m ready for the upswing.  Who’s with me?