Redefining Perfect

With a bright load of bullets…bullet points, that is.  It’s been so long since I’ve posted I can only go random with notes of where I’ve been.

* I have been working behind the scene, doing coding and graphics in preparation for the big launch!  My BFF and I have launched a new webmag The Modern Pagan!!  We have some great writers with MrsB, Angela, and RetroKali. We are currently looking for more writer’s and article submissions so spread the word!  Here’s a bit more from our ‘about’ page:

The Modern Pagan is an online magazine set up to help inform, teach and grow with the pagan and non-pagan communities. We will be posting articles on Wednesdays to begin with in the hopes that we can grow and move to a few more days during the week and finally daily. Please come and check out Weekly Tarot Card to see what’s been pulled from our deck. We will be posting stories, recipes, rituals, crafts and much more.

* I’ve been recovering from surgery.  After 3 weeks I’m feeling human again.  I still get an occasional twinge from the bruising under the surface and the incision sites still have not fully healed – but I feel ‘normal’.  I’ve discovered what I can and can’t eat and what I must eat in moderation. It’s been real fun figuring that out.

* Archie and I had a date. A REAL date. We didn’t go to the movies, we didn’t stay local like we always do (for the past 5 years we haven’t left this side of town).  We went to the south side to the Cheesecake Factory. We walked around the mall and then grabbed some more cheesecake and drove home!

* One week before school let out Brandon brought home a big fat F. It was a project that not only wasn’t finished, but not turned in on time.  And so, the boy begins summer break on lockdown (major grounding).

* I’ve set into (lime)stone my trip to NY this year.  I hadn’t planned on going, but a fellow blogger is also from there and recently took a spontaneous trip which made me very homesick.  Since Archie does horribly in the car I’ve asked my mom to go.  Because of the timing I get to finally meet the incredibly talented and beautiful Mishelle!!  We’re going to the original Duff’s to eat wings and drink Labbatt’s beer!  You bet we’ll both have our cameras so expect pictures!

* I actualy managed to get through ALL of our laundry yesterday. This is a rarity in our house so much that Archie thanked me for it and said that it wasn’t so easy (he knows after caring for the house for a week ).  I didn’t just WASH the laundry – I got 95% of it away, the last 5% I plan on putting away today. In a household of 5 this is HUGE.

* We’ve shared dinner with our neighbor Moe a couple of times in the past couple of weeks.  He’s a great friend and a big help to Archie when it comes to his girlfriend. I love being that close to our neighbors.

* Speaking of neighbors, now that the weather is nice we’ve spent a few evenings outside gathering with the neighbors. We have a wonderful small neighborhood where everyone knows everyone else.  It’s a neighborhood like I’ve always wanted to live in (did once when I was in 3-9 grade). 

* Our puppy is getting HUGE.  Sookie is gorgeous and I hope to have pictures of her up soon!

* Speaking of Sookie I am counting down the days to True Blood’s second season!  June 14th!!  I read book 9 in one night and have already marked the date of book 10 on my calendar. I’ve watched every preview that’s come out and purchased season 1 on DVD. I even started following the characters on Facebook! They give me such a giggle.

* Yeah, I finally caved.  I said I would never Facebook…but my husband got on, and I don’t remember the reason I caved, but I did.  I’m glad I did…I found my old middle school bestest friend in the world who stuck by me through some big crap.  I found out my cousin was on FB and her husband, and a good high school friend of mine.  I’ve made some great connections.  Because it’s my real name and connected to my hubbies real name I’m choosey about who I let in…but if you want in email me

* Speaking of Facebook…it’s because of that, and this post…that I’ve officially come out of the broom closet with my family.  Oops…but I had to spread the word about the Modern Pagan! 

* I need to have surgery more often.  Being stuck on the couch for a week led to frequent blog posting and reading…real life is way to wacky!!

* And so I close this bulleted list having said a whole lot of nothing!  Hopefully more frequent posting is upon us again…and you’ll get a new better picture of me if the ones I took on date day came out okay

I used to hear stories of women that claimed they didn’t know they were pregnant and gave birth thinking they had heartburn or gastritis.  I thought they were insane.  How could you NOT know?  When I was pregnant with my first I had symptoms before I knew. With my second it took a couple weeks to sink in, but I knew.  I got HUGE with my first, but only had a bump for my second. 

So I thought all these women were nuts.

Then it happened to me.

When Riley was born we agreed that was it. Two was our limit. We were done, finito, kaput.  I was breastfeeding, had the pill and we took…other precautions.  At no time was there less than 3 forms of birth control happening.

When Riley was 4 months old her reflux came to the forefront, as did her FTT. I stopped breastfeeding and switched to formula in a desperate attempt to have her gain weight (what a joke…but that’s a diferent story). 

All of the health care visits for Riley kept me busy.  Not to mention working nights waitressing.  I was busy, tired, and not paying much attention.

In December I wrote the following on my LiveJournal entry:

I feel pregnant still/again. Nearly 100% sure I’m not…because it would be almost physically impossible to be…and if I was, I’d be about 6 months along right now and a bit bigger than I am…so I think I have another cyst. Probably pretty nasty too, because when I was taking a bath the other night I realized one side of my abdomen is relatively solid. There’s definitely something in there. I’m still 10 lbs. above pre-preggers weight and I don’t eat a ton…I eat like I always have. My boobs are still a cup size over pre-preggers and leaking…and I’m moody as Hell…I’ve started getting the sharp pains around my ovary area that I got when I had my last one…but they aren’t as frequent.

So what did I do?  Nothing. 

January came around and about mid-month my eyes flew open at 5:30AM.  Mind you, I am nowhere near a morning person – if I DO Wake up at that time I’m usually half-dead.  But no, that day I woke up WIDE awake.  I placed my hand on my stomach and said, “What the hell?”  It felt like a baby kicking. 

So what did I do?  Blew it off as gas.

It was another TWO WEEKS before I randomly picked up a pregnancy test at the grocery store for kicks.  Because really…there was NO WAY I was pregnant!  Right?

Test came up positive.  I freaked.  Bawling my eyes out crying.  All the reasons we could NOT have another kid racing through my head I called Archie and asked him to come home.  Despite my protests that I couldnt tell him over the phone, he forced it out of me and was home 20 minutes later. 

I still didn’t believe it.  I called the doctor’s office and my wonderful nurse (LOVE her!) told me to come in first thing in the morning and she’d draw the blood.  I had to wait another 24 hours but my wonderful nurse (again, LOVE her) called me before they even opened to let me know she’d snuck a peak into the computers pre-paperwork and gotten my results.  I was in fact pregnant.  She then said…

“Let me see if we can get schedule you in about 4 weeks out. By these numbers I’d say you’re very early, about 4 weeks.”

My response was immediate:

“No.  You don’t understand.  My FIRST symptom was the baby kicking!  I think I’m WAY beyond 4 weeks.”

In shock she agreed that we had to get in for an ultrasound ASAP. 

4 days later I found out the sex of the baby…on her first ultrasound. 

I was 23 weeks. 

She was born at 36 weeks.

The doctor said I set a speed record for him in pregnancies.

In my defense, after this visit my pregnancy did far more than set a speed record.  It was like the minute my pregnancy was confirmed my body took it as a big thumbs up to REALLY let loose.

I had SEVERE pain (Pubic Symphysis Diastasis) – so bad I couldn’t roll over in bed at night. I blew up and looked pregnant within a week (I hadn’t up until then). I was put on modified bed rest within a month of my ultrasound – true bedrest when I went into pre-term labor at 35 weeks (lifted @36 weeks).  It became almost a nightmare once I knew I was pregnant…

But for 23 weeks I didn’t know I was pregnant!

“Something happened at school today.”

I look at my son in concern.  This could be anything.

“I almost asked out a girl.”

Uh…back the truck up, you WHAT?  I just grin, and ask why he didn’t.

“Someone beat me to it.”

I blink a few times, trying to digest this.  Clear my throat, “Okay.  So why didn’t you ask her out too?”

“Well, cuz then she’d be going on a double date.”

I resist the urge to facepalm right in front of him, stifle my laughter and point out that this is NOT what I meant.

He has since assured me that this coupling won’t last because Cindy* is country, and the other boy is city/hiphop.  “It won’t last until next week.”

My poor boy.  I’ll be having his Dad have a chat with him tonight.  He needs a few clues thrown his way.

It can open up such a can of worms.

I once told the story of Alex* and how it came to be that I became single mother. 

When I left North Carolina and eventually filed for full custody his last words to me were ugly and mean.  He didn’t show up for the custody hearing, and on the advice of my lawyer I asked that if he was granted visitation that it be supervised. The judge agreed and he was granted visitation rights at a supervised location.

He never tried to see his son. He never called again, emailed again.  When I sent letters to let him know of our change of address he didn’t sign – his grandparents did. 

I had nightmares of what would happen.  That one day he’d suddenly decide to see his son and my world would be torn apart. 

HOW would I explain to my son what happened?  I swore when he was a baby I would never say a cross word about his dad, and I never have. I want him to make his own decision based on the role Alex* chose to play in his life. 

Then we grew and changed. We found Archie. The nightmares were still there, but they eased. The guilt I carried from the past eased.  Brandon never asked about his real father or why his name is diferent from Archie’s. Ever.

Three months ago I was googling. I googled myself (except for my online screen name there isn’t anything about the real me out there).  I googled my dad (there’s tons for him…he’s a top notch guy).  My mom…not much there either.

Then I went into my past.  I searched for an old friend (Kathy R, my Moe…I still cannot find you!) or two or three.  Then for some unknown reason I googled him. My brain dredged up his old screen name and found him on myspace.

I went to his page. I saw pictures of him from recently. I learned where he’s living now. I saw that he’s still single…and there is no mention of his son on his myspace page. I’ve since joined facebook and he’s there, but private. 

It reopened everything for me.  The fears, the worries.

We have since talked to Brandon about it. He’s at turns distraught and confused and at others acts like nothing happened.  He has many questions.

He wants to meet Alex.

I’ve lied for the first time. I told him I didn’t know where Alex is. That the picture I showed him was an old one of mine. In truth I only know the AREA Alex is and I’m sure I could find him…but I don’t want to. This is all too new, too fresh to Brandon and he needs time to process before we drag the skeletons out of the closet.

I don’t ever want to make that call. I don’t ever want him to express interest in knowing his son. I want our lives as they have been…but the info is out there and as he gets older, he’ll want to ask more questions. He’ll be able to find him all by himself. 

I pray that I’ve raised him with enough love and happiness that nothing will change when this happens. 

I fear daily that it will.

~~~~

*Alex is a pseudonym chosen for the sperm donor. Not his real name.

When Riley was very young she had a wonderful tendency toward needing to be held constantly.  If you were holding her she was so content. She smiled brightly for you and coo’d…but only in your arms.  If you tried to lay her down it was all over.

Then at four months old when the horrors of GERD (reflux) reared their heads we started to lose that spark.  Our little sweet pea withdrew into a shell of near constant pain and shrieking. The smiles lessened, the coos faded…and by the time the GERD was treated and peace was restored, it was like we’d lost that spark that had lit from within her beautiful blue eyes.

Over time she grew and changed, but she was always withdrawn.  Removed from the present. In her own world.  At times it concerned us, terrified us…but we learned to accept it and cope with it.

Brief moments of sunshine and brilliance would break through the crowds.  Her brilliance at puzzles when she was a year.  Her love of the Backyardigans. Her quick learning of letters and numbers.  She astonished us.

She worried us.

The autism diagnosis confirmed our fears, and brought new ones.  But all along, we knew that the sunshine was in there. We knew that she had parents that understood as best as they could. A dad that had grown up with similar issues and fears – and we’d make sure she knew that we would always try our best to understand and accept.

Lately – Riley has been letting out more and more of that sunshine.  Her closed off and withdrawn nature has been becoming more of a side part of her nature.  In its place is a bright, sunny girl that is just brimming with personality.

When she gets mad or wounded or upset she still pulls back…and we accept them as part of who she is and help her learn to cope with them.

But when she is not mad…she laughs and giggles.  She bosses her sister around.  She bosses me around, the dog, her brother…her Daddy…anyone within hearing range.

She asks questions and gives answers.  She has learned the art of conversation – and while not always witty – it is always sparkling with her smile and bright blue eyes.

Does she talk as much as a normal 4 year old?  No…we haven’t reached that level yet – but she’s so much more than she was a year ago. 

She’s amazing.  She’s brilliant.  She’s adorable.  She’s my princess.

And I’m so thrilled to see the sunshine again.

From the time I was little I’ve been warned against being a hypochondriac.  My Nana was one…and I had a tendency toward it.  In today’s world of the WWW that tendency can get nice and complicated with self-diagnosis via webmd and all of those wonderful sites.  I have to say that overall, though – I’m pretty good at avoiding my tendency toward it.

Then again, in order to AVOID being a hypochondriac I go the opposite way and NEVER go to see the doctor. 

Sunday afternoon I felt a burst of heartburn coming on. I don’t get it often, but a few times recently it’s reared its head.  So, I went to the bathroom, threw down a couple of Tums and sat back down to relax in front of the computer.

The Tums didn’t help – in fact the pain got worse.  And worse.  And even worse. I stood up to get Archie and didn’t make it two steps before I collapsed onto the couch.  It took four attempts for me to scream for Archie loud enough for him to hear and come inside.   The pain was excruciating and radiated through to my back. I was bawling and screaming…it was ugly and embarrassing.

After much debate I finally just told him to call the paramedics (the girls were napping, boy wasn’t home and we weren’t sure when he’d get back)…especially because I couldn’t get to the car under my own power. 

He called the paramedics and our neighbor came across the street to start checking my vitals (he is qualified – it’s not random)…and by the time he did that and the paramedics arrived the pain was mostly subsided and I just felt nauseous.

But I got loaded into the ambulance and taken to the ER.  My very adorable EMT-in-training did my IV…and I gave him an A+ because I hate having IV’s done…and I didn’t hardly feel it when he did it.

By the time I got the ER I was feeling really stupid because the pain really was pretty much all gone and I was only a little nauseous…and I was wondering if I’d just overreacted as always…

An EKG, bloodwork and ultrasound were done…and the ER doctor came in to say…

“You have a very ugly gall bladder.”

I was admitted and scheduled for surgery the next day!  The doctor’s and nurses kept wondering at how I’ve never had any pain from it (I really haven’t – Sunday was my first ever attack)…and how I was sitting around smiling and joking with all of the nurses and my family.  Apparently I was so filled with stones in the gall bladder and duct that I should have been in constant pain.  So I was impressing everyone without even trying…

Now I’m home without my gall bladder and with 4 holes in my belly. 

Well, at least I get to be waited on by my husband.  He’s so wonderful and attentive…I should get at least 3 more good lazy days out of this!