Redefining Perfect

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I haven’t done weekly updates, I admit…but I HAVE gotten better about posting in general *LOL*  But, I figured weekly was too much.  I’m sticking to monthly updates.  It’s easier to keep track of the credit issues that way. So anyway, onto the goals and what I’ve done about them!

Goal #1 Body Image
1. I have lost six pounds.  I’m down to 151.  My jeans are fitting differently, but I don’t think it’s because of the weight so much as the:
2. I’ve started doing yoga just about every day. I did not exercise every day in January because there was the whole broken toe to deal with, and getting used to kids being home…but I did start it and really liked it.  This is something I’m keeping up with.
3. I have cut BACK on my pop drinking, but not enough.  I still have bad days that I drink a LOT.  I’m also not drinking more water.  Hopefully that will get better.
4. I have also cut back on my grazing.  I still do it, but not as much – I often try to replace food with a cup of coffee, but it doesnt always work.

In all I think this goal is going well.  It’s not perfect yet, but I’m happy with the baby steps I’ve taken. 

Goal #2 Finances
1. I did start keeping a check register…
2. And we started out strong w/ the budget
3. I’m still using the debt tracker spreadsheet…

But over all this goal went kerplunk before we got more than two weeks into January.  I blew my grocery budget, we only lived on ‘cash only’ for one week. We didn’t follow any sort of budget and I didn’t track the spending like I should have. 

Our goal is refocused for February.  We have our tax refund coming in, but we’re still going to live on the budget while we pay some things off, and fix our truck.  Hopefully we’ll do much better this month.

Goal #3 Home & Family
1.  I made vague meal plans – but didn’t write them down…
2.  I blew our grocery budget within a couple of weeks (not severely, but I definitely went overy by at least $50)
3. I’ve done fairly well with starting the cleaning.  The ktichen at least.  I’ve done dishes almost every day, and doen a good cleaning of it once a week.  I need to improve. I started doing the laundry once a wk (mostly) – but putting it away is not good.
4. And I’ve made tons and tons of breads…more than we needed some weeks.
5. We’ve had a few family game nights.  Not quite every week…but we’re working on it.

On a side note about this…this goal has evolved a bit.  I’ve decided to start homeschooling the girls – and am strongly considering homeschooling Brandon, too.  This has led to me doing some PT-HS w/ Brandon (it’s helped that we’ve had so many snow days).  So, as we approach that goal, this goal will shift and change a bit.  I may end up with my own goal set aside for homeschooling.  For now, I’m goign to keep on the track I’m going. 

In all, I feel our family unit is stronger already – and that was the main goal for this…so we’ll keep working on it!

Goal #4 Personal
1. I’ve started writing again – not quite twice a week every week, but this past week I’ve gotten closer.
2. On that end, I’ve rewritten 6 chapters of the novel and am pretty happy with what I’ve done so far.
3. I’ve gotten better about posting here again, even though I’m struggling some days for posts.
4. I haven’t officially re-opened my writing blog yet, but I’m close to it…I’m just wrapping up the site’s design and adding in some pages that I think are needed.   Hopefully that will come soon.

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Total wrapup: I’m feeling mostly good about how January went.  Not completely great because of the financial road bump…but over all with all four goals – I’m happy.  Baby steps is the point of this…so I’ll focus on my accomplishments and just hope to do better next month!! 

But the situation called for it. 

I cut Angel’s hair.  Yes, I did it myself…and no, I don’t think it looks horrible.  There’s a few uneven portions, but that’s what happens when you have a 2.75 year old that has NEVER sat still, not even to feed.  So, anyway…

When I had girls I imagined I would never, EVER cut their hair.  I would let it grow and grow and it would be long and beautiful and I would style it and life would be joyful.  I never imagined I’d end up with this:

A ratty, tangly mess that is a pain to brush out.  It used to be beautiful curls and  then she started going nuts when she slept on her back and the curls became dreds.  Now that she’s almost three it’s just dried out, ragged, and horribly tangled.   It’s also thinning, and unstylable, and hangs in her face constantly – with no ability to pull it back (too thin).

So, after much internal struggle I finally accepted the inevitable and pulled out the scissors.  In the end she looks like this (ignore the red marks – she’s been tearing apart her nose and has severely chapped lips) -

I’m pleased enough with it.  I may have to fine tune it later on tonight…but at least it’s out of her face (I gave her bangs, oy) and it’s holding hints of her curl again.

For the past three and a half years since Riley’s first sign of illness I’ve been so many things.  I’ve been an advocate, a medical researcher, a therapist, a teacher, a student, a fierce tiger fighting for answers, an emotional wreck wondering what was wrong and not feeling strong enough to handle it…

But those moments…those fleeting moments…of just being…MOM.  They’ve been there, but so few and far between everything else that has been happening.  Today something switched.  I don’t know if it was my decision (more on that forthcoming in later posts)…or just an emotional release for me…or just one of those days…but tonight.  For about 3 hours…that’s all I was. 

I was washing dishes and for the first time in years the baby gates are down (have been for 3 days!!) – and the girls are excited to have access to the kitchen.  I turned around from washing dishes to see they’ve done this:

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They dragged in books and plopped themselves down at the table.  Carrying on a little conversation with each other they read their books and told each other about them.  They seemed so grown up…and I just grabbed my camera and started snapping.  It was such a great, peaceful moment.  I only wish Daddy had been home to see it (he’s got work stuff tonight and tomorrow ). 

For a few hours I was just a mom, and a little bit of a teacher because after the dishes were done the girls and I sat down to go over flash cards to start rebuilding Riley’s knowledge again – and work on Angel’s.  Then I went over Brandon’s homework with him and asked him to do some side work for me…and I manged to finish the dishes, half the laundry and getting our new storage pieces put up and partially filled.

I think I’ll like just being a Mom and what goes with standard teaching.  Maybe I need the break from ’school’ and therapy as much as I think the girls do.

Just in case you haven’t already, please
help me choose what pictures to enter in a local contest!

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It seems like ages ago…but just six months ago I was all gung-ho excited to be shipping off two girls for school.  I’d have FOUR hours a week  all to myself!  Oh, what joy…what bliss…

So why am I now making plans to take both girls out of preschool?

Yes.  You heard that right.  After years of fighting for Riley’s therapy’s to continue despite her progress…and years of fighting for answers with Angel…I’m pulling them out of the programs that give them thoses therapies.

Why would I do something so drastic?  Am I really calling an end to this?

My reasons are numerous, and Riley holds many of those reasons – because she’s the one in public school, and Angel is the one still in the prviate (i.e. costly) school.

The first reason, and a big concern to us, is that in the past six months Riley has gone from a sweet, occasionally stubborn and rude, little girl…into a holy terror.  Not to us (okay, sometimes) – but to Angel.  Angel looks like she’s been in a UFC fight.  Riley corners her and kicks her mercilessly, she stands on her, she just beats the tar out of Angel.  It’s gotten to the point that we’re deeply concerned.  She did not pick up these ideas around here.

The second reason hit me on Friday, and it was one heck of a shocker.

Riley has LOST learning.  Before she started school I worked with her myself and we had the alphabet down pat.  Numbers, not a problem.  Could she sing her abc’s?  No…but she could recognize any letters you showed her.  The regular testing of this came at the pediatricians office where there is a big alphabet rug in the waiting room.  Our regular waiting room game is to find the letters.

She couldn’t find the P. It was the first letter we tried.  She couldn’t find it.  I told her what color square it was one and she found the color…but couldn’t find the letter.

It was a shock to the system.  And after a weekend of talking we’ve decided to bring them home and try to have me work with them again.  I will look into another state funded preschool that’s available…but for now they will stay home.

In the next couple of weeks I’ll make contact with the school and see what I need to do to withdraw Riley.  From there…we’ll take it one day at a time.

Guess I really need to get working on keeping up with my personal changes, because my days are aobut to get a  lot more full.

Weekly Winners is the brainchild of the wonderfully Sarcastic Mom, Lotus

This week is something different.  I’m calling on you to help me out!  I am getting ready to submit some photographs to a local competition.  I’m supposed to narrow it down to six pictures maximum. These are some of my favorites from the past year – as you can see, narrowing it down to 6 is darn near impossible for me.  I’m asking you to help by voting for your two favorites in each of 3 categories!  Thanks!!

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Pick your two favorite!

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“But it’s not actually pee…”

Those were the words that greeted me from my soon-to-be-eleven-year-olds mouth yesterday after school.  It didn’t end there.  He told me what it actually was – and about some of the questions that were asked.

Ah the joys of puberty movies.  I really wish he’d waited until his Dad got home for such a proclomation.  Thank goodness I was cleaning, because I’m sure my face was bright red.

Oy.  I’m not ready for puberty…but the appearance of zits and the first signs of pit hair tell me that I haven’t got any choice.

I need strength…because I’m really ,really not ready for this…not with a boy.  Even with Archie around I’m still going to get some of it…oy.

Which is really hypocritical of me because I constantly give Archie grief for blaming himself.  It isn’t his fault…and it isn’t my fault…and our brains know this…but our hearts bleed. 

His heart bleeds because Brandon was the ‘perfect’ child.  He was never really sick (a minor bowel issue until 3yo, but otherwise) – Brandon is neurotypical.  ARchie is not biologically his father.  Our two special needs children are his biological children.  He draws the line of coincidence and though his head tells him that it isn’t his fault…his heart aches and bleeds thinking it was somehow his fault – his genes that did it.

For me, it’s an old vice.  One that still haunts me…and one that I abused when I was pregnant…not with Brandon, and not with Riley…but with Angel…

I smoked until I was five and a half months pregnant with her.  In my (very weak) defense I hadn’t the foggiest idea I WAS pregnant (seriously I REALLY had no idea…both me and my OB were shocked)…but I was, and I did. 

I had my first cigarette at 11.  At 16 I really started smoking – and started hard with reds.  I smoked off an on for years.  I’ve always had a knack of just deciding one day that I’d quit and that would be it – for months and years at a time.  When I started drinking (at 18), I’d almost always have at least one cigarette when I drank – which worked since it was only once every few months.  But I was a horrible social smoker…when others smoked, I joined.  Working in food service – a LOT of food service workers smoke…so when I started waitressing after Riley was born, I started smoking – like a frickin’ chimney. 

Truth be told, with all three of my kids I smoked right up until the day I found out I was pregnant.  Brandon I stopped as soon as I saw the test – and never looked back, in fact they made me sick.  With Riley, I quit before I knew I was pregnant…they just made me nuts, so did alcohol (not that I was ever addicted to that). 

But when I got pregnant with Angel, I had no idea I was pregnant.  I was using three forms of birth control (four if you count the new-parent exhaustion-created near-abstinence).  I was working at Bob Evans (yum) and smoking like a chimney with my friends and coworkers. 

I’ve always felt guilt about it – but pushed it aside as best as I could. 

But when I hear the doctors say “Something happened neurologically while she was in utero.  Something minor, but enough to cause this…”  As they have since we first started looking for reasons for her left-sided weakness.  Every time I hear “neurological event” and “in utero” – I blame myself. 

And my heart bleeds. 

And bleeds…

And tonight…my heart bleeds…and again I blame myself…

Win a FREE YEAR subscription to Family Fun Magazine!

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I haven’t done a random post in a while…so you get a treat today…a post full of randomness.

• Still don’t know if the toe was actually broken – I never went to the doctor…but it was starting to improve…
• Then today Angel stepped on it during her nutrition appointment. Now it’s throbbing again.
• Angel and Riley are both sick and miserable.
• Tomorrow Brandon’s class is having the puberty lecture and video.  Should be interesting.
• Saturday is Brandon’s 11th birthday!  ELEVEN!  How did that happen?!  Oy…I feel so old…and he’s got zits and is growing pit hair.  Help.
• I have begun making a lot of our bread…
• Like a LOT.  English muffins, wheat bread, dinner rolls, focaccia…I’ve gone nuts…
• But I’ve learned that homemade really IS better…
• And to top it off I made my own chicken stock yesterday.
• But I’ve been a total loser about family dinners this week..
• But tomorrow I make soup – yum…
• I’ve also been a loser about working out…
• BUT I have the reasoning of my toe.  Hard to do yoga with a seriously busted and swollen toe.
• Did I mention that my sneaker doesn’t fit?
• Right now I feel like my kitchen is never going to get clean…and I’m behind on my bread baking so every step forward – I end up taking two steps back when I try to finish up my bread baking.
• This ridiculous post of randomness took me all day long because despite doing five million things on the WWW – I couldn’t find five minutes to string a bunch of random thoughts together.

That’s all for today.  Hopefully tomorrow is a real post.

For the week of 1/12-1/18/09
Weekly Winners is the brainchild of the wonderfully Sarcastic Mom, Lotus

We have weekly winners, and losers (tied to 2 crimes)

The winners are, of course, food.  Only a couple of shots this week – I got lazy in dinners this week (won’t happen again, – I’m becoming addicted to foodie blogs)

The English via an American:

Evidence that homemade is better than storebought -
English via an American is YUM:

Carrot Soup – Holy COW was this amazing -
w/ homemade butter rolls:

And now.  There were a rash of crimes yesterday at Casa dePerfect.  Toes were maliciously attacked by seemingly innocuous items around the house.

Suspect #1

The firetruck/ambulance.  Up until yesterday a favorite toy often fought over by the girls.  Why then would it viciously attack.  Jumping out of Angel’s arms and landing on her big toe – causing much bleeding?

Results of the crime:

The suspect is still undergoing interrogation for it’s crime.  Judge Mommy says it should be put away for life.  Judge Daddy says such a punishment is too harsh.  Results?  Well, it’s still up in the air.

The next vicious attacker went after the matriarch of the family.  Innocently, and understandably, performing the task of laundry as she does every Saturday.  She put the laundry soap in, then back on its shelf.  She took the fabric softener and did the same.  When she returned the fabric softener to its (six-foot high) shelf though, out of nowhere the suspect attacked.

Suspect #2

Apparently Mr. Pyrex decided to determine which was truly unbreakable – himself or Mommy Perfects toe.  For it leapt from the daring height of six feet, landing squarely and harshly on Mommy’s toe.  At first seeming nothing more than major pain, it developed three hours later into a brutally nasty bruising.

The results:

The suspect is still undergoing psychiatric evaluation to determine if it was a suicide attempt – or an attack.  Either way, Momma de Perfect will not get her baking done today, or her cleaning, or finish up at the grocers because today I cannot move it.

No pictures of the actual injuries to Angel’s toe because she refused to hold still for evidence photos.  She claimed pain and kept jerking her toe away.  Given how my toe feels, I tend to believe her.

The door is locked, the answers behind.  The locks tease me by being on my side, but I have no keys for the padlocks, no crowbar to pull away the boards. 

Peace is on the other side.

Answers.

I’m begining to think I will never find the keys.  I will never see the other side of the door.  Nobody has answers – everyone declares her unique.  The one and only ‘answer’ we have is not cut and dried – it is confusing and unsure. 

One more chance for a key has presented itself – but I hesitate. Should I take the gamble only to end up feeling hopeless and hollow again?  On the small chance that this doctor may have that key?  I don’t know that I have the energy, or faith in the doctors any longer. They have no more answers than I – and I have something they don’t…I’m her Mom.