Redefining Perfect

Last year I was afraid to try again.

Five months ago I took the leap.

Four months ago I was afraid to hope, but felt it creeping in.

Today was the big day.  Technically it was the FIRST of TWO big days.  We met with the Developmental Pediatrician. It was a scant hope, but it was my last ditch effort. The final specialist in a long line of specialists and the last thread of hope in a dim and dismal heart.

I got up and the crack-of-dawn o’clock and hopped in the shower.  I got the girls dressed (In-Laws were sick so the 1 child at a time ruling had to be abandoned), fed and in the car.  Along the way I stopped and used my gift card from the Moms Marbles twitter party last month (thanks, ladies I loved my mocha!!) at Starbucks and we headed up to the North Side of the city.  We arrived perfectly on time and headed back for Riley’s appointment at the exact time we were supposed to be in.

And we waited.  and waited. and waited.  30 minutes later the nurse popped in to tell us the doctor had gone to the wrong office. So we waited another 30 minutes and the doctor showed up.

It was worth the wait.  It was worth the 4 months it took to get into her office to even see her.  It was worth the hour wait.  Why?

For an hour and a half – a FULL 90 minutes – she sat in that room.  She never left. She sat there.  She listened.  She talked.  She HEARD me. After years of frustration and fears…to be HEARD…that is the most joyous part of it.

She looked over Riley – took a full history asked many many questions – questions not even I could remember the answers to.

We have confirmations, we have suggestions…we are feeling hope.

I go back on Monday with Angel.  At that point the doctor will give me a list of items from today’s visit where she’ll write down EVERYTHING we discussed today.  Suggestions for therapies, help for insurance/assistance, suggestions and numbers for groups not just to support Riley (and Angel when it’s her turn) – but to help US cope.  The adults. 

Do we now have all the answers?  Heavens, no.  But this doctor is helping us define a path.  For each girl, individually.  She is listening to us. 

And that…that is the most wonderful thing in the world.

Riley has never been one for communication. She didn’t speak her first word until she was almost 2. Years of Speech Therapy have yielded a capability to say words and even full sentences.  But actual communication?  It’s a struggle and you’re never sure that she’s even actually being truthful – or just agreeing to get the conversation over.

When it is time to have a serious conversation with her, it’s like she instinctively gets the ‘confrontation’ vibe (even if not in trouble) and she shuts down.  I wonder sometimes if we don’t need to resort to a complex series of clicks, whistles, and hand gestures to communicate with her. 

The other night we had to have one of those.  We wanted to talk about something – but to actually get her real input on it.  We attempted a few formulas and eventually got a semblance of a conversation – consisting mostly of nods and yes’s or no’s from the Riley-girl – but a conversation.

We started by making sure she felt ’safe’…sitting by Daddy w/ Mommy across the room – and sissy in bed. Daddy talking to her without looking directly at her.  Occasionally I would ask a question in a different way. 

A few words later, several head nods later…the conversation was over with Mommy having joined them on the couch and a snuggle session in full force.  We were soon tackled by a little tornado of a monkey and all was righ twith the world again.

Have I mentioned how jealous I get going to blogs and seeing 2 & 3 year olds having true conversations and clever comments posted?  Brandon was like that 10 years ago…now my girls are almost 4&5 and I still don’t have it with them…although Angel is getting closer than Riley (but Angel is pure goof-ball *G*). 

But with baby-steps…eventually I’ll be having conversations with my daughter so brilliant that it will be ME not able to keep up…and I’ll be mystified that it was ever such a struggle to converse.  At least, that is the dream.

The things we take for granted in our lives is amazing.   We forget to stop and see the small miracles that occur every day, we just look for the big ones.  I’m guilty of that when it comes to Riley.  I thought she would grow and advance just like every other child.  I didn’t want for her to have the problems I had to go through.   

We went to the geneticist for over a year before we got a diagnosis. He wanted to observe her and watch how she grew before he said anything definitive. 

After so many visits he was finally ready to tell us.  The diagnosis was autism, specifically pervasive developmental disorder (PDD-NOS).  My wife and I were stunned.  It didn’t change how much we loved her, looked at her, or treated her - but I felt responsible.  I was the one with all the problems growing up, and the lingering ones as an adult.  My wife had a typical childhood, no major problems to speak of. Her first child was neurotypical.  No, if Riley was ill, it was because of me and my blasted genetics.

Riley was still not talking, or smiling much.  But she was playing “outside” of herself.  Any situation where a lot of people were involved made her extremely uncomfortable, often resulting in a “meltdown” as we called them.  She did not like for anyone to initiate touching or hold her unless it was herself.  We saw a little girl locked inside herself, and we had to find the keys. 

As Molly grew, we were enrolled in an assistance program that helped us find and meet her special needs.  She met with various therapists each week to help her reach goals that were set forth to bring her development up to speed.  She also was able to attend a special needs pre-pre-school , which she started out very withdrawn, but ended up comfortable and playing/learning/chatting with the other kids and teachers.  My Riley was coming around, and I couldn’t have been prouder.

Riley began to talk, she had been saying some words, but now she was really talking.  It was very difficult to understand her sometimes, at least for me.  My wife spent all day with her and it was easier for her to pick up Riley’s speech.  But she was improving.  Her weight was always on the low side, but her height was average to tall.  Her was growing, and it was long platinum blonde with curls at the end.  Her hair was very fine, but it was healthy.  Her appetite was increasing, but there were certain things she would not touch, probably due to texture or feel.  She would give quick hugs, and sometimes we could kiss her.  She was improving all the time, making big and small leaps in progress.

Today Riley is a little personality.  She is still withdrawn and still has her “quirks” – but daily she reminds us of how far she’s come – and how much farther she is destined to go. I still struggle with what I’ve done right, or wrong – and with my own self-blame…but nothing cheers me like a hug and a kiss from my own mini-me. My Alligator. My Riley.

*********

I apologize for the delay in the latest installment from Archie!!  I kept forgetting to edit it.  This was the final installment in the ‘Real Men Don’t Cry’ Portion.  I’m hoping to keep nudging the hubs to make posts on a variety of subjects – because I know he has a lot more to say!  So Fatherhood Fridays are far from over!!

I spent the better part of the weekend (from Thursday to Sunday) sleeping.  I was sick, sick, sick…and have just now started feeling better.  The worst part of being sick was having two sickies with me (*thing 1 and thing 2*) that were just as miserable as I was. 

Riley recovered fast, but it clung to my Angel like  glue. The cough lingered and she was put on antibiotics (drugs…woohoo).  She recovered a bit, but continued to cough.  And cough. And cough – waking up at nights.  It wasn’t continuous – just lingering. So, as luck would have it we had our regularly scheduled visit to the CF clinic yesterday. Her lung functions have gone down, so the pulm has extended and increased her antibiotics….and added steroids. 

So after all of this, I’m finally back.  Still keeping an eye on my baby – but I’m here!  Sorry I was so MIA.  Whateer this summer cold was made of, it kicked my ass!

And the Rock and Roll?

Well, it’s RIGHT HERE!!

See Part 1 by clicking HERE

I never knew or met anyone who looked like me.  Someone who shared certain traits.  The connection was so amazing.  I could look into her eyes and see myself, no longer alone.  She was very special to me, in a way that most people would find hard to understand.  I found redemption for past failures and a bright future was suddenly ahead of me.

Around 3-4 months old, Riley started crying after she ate.  At first, we just thought it was indigestion, it would pass.  But it didn’t.  The crying soon turned into screaming, her muscles were tensed, and she was unable to be soothed.

A trip to the doctor soon turned into multiple trips, with fluoroscopes, tests, poking and prodding at my/our little girl.  We were told that it was a simple diagnosis, silent acid reflux and it could be corrected easily with medication and close monitoring.  That was okay, but she suffered for around three months in terrible pain and anguish, unable eat without it hurting her. 

As she was getting better and able to eat without painful consequences, I started to notice that she was just not….right.  She was now very quiet, withdrawn, never smiled, and physically she was wasted.  Her doctor appointments were indicating no weight or height gains, even having lost weight at times.  Her hair was lifeless and dull, eyes were glassy most of the time, and her only method of communication was crying in distress.  She was drawing herself into a shell that neither my wife nor I could penetrate.

All of this time I was in complete panic mode.  I finally had what I had been needing all of my life and she was slowly, painfully wasting away.  Babies are supposed to be chubby and full, but she was bones and flesh.  My wife and I supported each other as best we could, but I anguished terribly inside.  I wondered if I didn’t get help for her soon enough, or if I failed to see the signs and in turn failed her. 

I can’t explain how it feels to be so alone in the world, not really connected to anything.  How many people take for granted that they have mother’s eyes, their fathers’ hands, that little half smile that started at the corner of their mouth just like their grandfathers in their youth.  I had none of those things until Riley was born.  Now I was in danger of losing that.  Many sleepless nights, staring at the wall.  What was to become of her, and me?

I know how selfish it sounds that my happiness was linked to hers, but that’s the way it was.  For a while, we didn’t really know for sure that she was gonna make it.  We met with other doctors, and then a geneticist.  The geneticist was really able to help us with our fears and concerns.  We didn’t like all of the answers, but he was honest and straightforward. 

We bulked up her milk rations and worked constantly to improve her state of mind.  One of her issues was revealed to be an oral aversion.  She didn’t want food, she wouldn’t talk, and she would not let anyone look at her teeth which by this time were causing her some discomfort as they do all babies.  But she never showed us or told us if something hurt, if she was happy, if she didn’t like something, nada.  Zip.  Nothing.  The scariest for me part was not knowing if she was really in there or if she was gone forever.  She looked like a little zombie most days.  My heart ached and weighed three tons.

After several months, the added nutrients began to work, her hair started growing again, and had shine & luster to it.  Her little body started to fill in just a bit, she would still be a skinny child given her parents, but we were okay with that.  Anything but the bones that cast shadows.  She was still withdrawn most of the time, but we began to see signs of life.  She began to show interest in things outside of herself. 

She could complete ten of the wooden type puzzles with letters, numbers, and shapes, at one time. 

Amazing. 

She didn’t so much play with her toys as she did organize them with razor sharp straightness.  She walked at just under a year, which we felt was pretty good considering her delays.  She walked on her tiptoes a lot, my wife thought she would become a dancer.  She became frightened at loud sounds like motorcycles, hot rod cars, loud bangs or crashes, and would often cover her ears.  She did like for the tv to be louder, so it basically drowned out other noise.  It was difficult to get her attention; sometimes it seemed as if she were somewhere else.  But we were slowly getting her back.  I thanked whatever higher power that heard our pleas.  I also began to relax, uncoil, and enjoy her.

****

I am very grateful today is Fatherhood Friday and that Archie had stepped up with a post because I’m sick as a dog, and so are the girls.  I will try to be back tomorrow – if not in time for my Weekly Winners – but there are no guarantees.  I feel like death, just ask Archie.

 No, really, they don’t.  I don’t personally know any real men, but, I digress.

This is the story of how I found myself – finally - at the birth of my oldest daughter. 

My early life was fraught with failures and disappointments.  I never gained self esteem. As early as 1^st grade I have memories of not liking myself, although I have a feeling that it was always there.  I suffered from crushing depressive episodes and anxiety coupled with OCD tendencies (read: anal-retentive).  I was an adopted child and although my family was always loving and caring, I felt empty, like something was missing. 

And it hurt. 

People mostly stayed away from me, I think they saw the storm clouds over my head.  As a teen and a young adult, well….less said about that, the better.  I discovered the joys of alcohol during these years, and to say I even wouldn’t like myself is redundant because we’ve already established my self image/esteem problems.

I tried a lot of different things to fill the void, but nothing worked.  Broken relationships and marriages, ruining friendships, alienating family, etc.  I was always hopeful in the back of mind that I could find peace someday, even though externally I wasn’t positive about it.

Cut to 2004.  My marriage was doing well, we had our bumps but who doesn’t?  We had halfheartedly tried to have a child, but nothing happened.  We were content with our small family.  I might have been a bit uneasy, but I was learning to live with certain things.  In September of that year, my wife had not been feeling….right.  She tried a pregnancy test on a whim.  Surprisingly, it came up positive.  We were going to have a baby!

I felt that I was ready, but still nervous.  My mind raced with the thought of being a father..

Was I ready? Would my child like me? Who would they look like? How am I gonna afford to pay for this? It was a long wait for the baby to arrive.

I was in for the whole delivery scenario, but it made me extremely anxious.  Finally, the baby came.  After  the nurses cleaned her up a bit, I got to hold her.  She was tiny.  She was red and wrinkly.  She was crying non-stop.  She was beautiful.  I thought it warm in the room and I was sweating.  I wasn’t sweating, I was crying.

My wife and I had gone through the whole name thing, and we wanted something that fit with our last name, flow so to speak.  I came up with the one that stuck, and it felt right.  She was my pride and joy, and I had never been happier in my whole life.  Finally, someone who shared flesh and blood with me.  I was still uncertain at times, but it was becoming easier for me to be natural instead of forced.  She slept either in the crook of my arm, or on my chest.  I got her first smiles.  I gradually began to realize that my emptiness was slipping away, replaced by the sweet little girl that actually was starting to resemble me. 

Life was never better.

***************

Archie is my husband, father to my children, and as you can see a very caring one at that.  He’ll be making a few guests posts – and this is just the first in the series.  He’ll talk more about the “first blood relation” feeling, what it was like for him as we gradually realized something wasn’t ‘right’ with our baby girl.  All from his point of view.  You’ve heard mine often, I thought it would be nice to hear his as well.  The posts will be probably once a week – so long as he keep them coming and you show him some love…so please comment for Archie – he’d love to hear your thoughts – and it will help bring him back!!

You know those sneaky roller coaster rides where you climb and climb every so slowly to the top and just as you crest, ready for the exhileration of the drop – it’s just a little bump?  You have to wait another interminable second before the rush of the real drop? I’m stuck on a series of little bumps…waiting for the rush of the drop…

Every step forward with potty training is met with steps backward. 

I’ve tried defending their actions, explaining them away…but I’m down to the last hair on my head, pulling each one out in frustration.

I can’t call them ‘accidents’ I know that they know what they’re doing…but do they?  Despite the fact that they know where the potty is, how to go, they are no longer afraid of it…and have even used public toilets…they have yet to initiate a potty run. 

I take that back – Angel did it ONCE, on father’s day. 

I’m tired of washing sheets every day because they keep wetting the bed.  I’m tired of asking them if they have to go and gettig a flat out ‘no’ – only to have them peeing on the ground two minutes later. 

Is it a sensory issue?  Or just stubborness?  Or are they just not ready, despite being 3&4?!? 

I don’t want to return to diapers…I don’t want that cost…but I don’t know how much more I can handle.

***

My apologies for the potty-roller coaster analogy…and for a post about potty-training…I’m just super frustrated right now.

Tuesday I got the call.  The last specialist on the list.  Specialist #8 for Angel (that’s not including her therapists…this is just doctor specialists we’re talking about).  Specialist #2 (I believe) for Riley.   We asked the pediatrician to make a referral to the Developmental Pediatrician.  The orthopaedist suggested it for Angel way back in January given her case history. After researching exactly what a DevPed does, we also asked for Riley as well – because of her autism and reaction to school last time (advice really).

As horrible as it sounds, it was very validating to hear what the nurse had to say about the doctor’s response to the girls’ cases. 

1. After reviewing the case files the doctor feels that their cases are complex and wants to see each of the girls on a one-on-one basis – meaning no double appointment with their sister.  She wants to get to know them each individually for at least the first appointment.

2. She wants them in ASAP.  We’ve been scheduled for the first appointments available (November) but placed on the wait list so that we get the first available appointment.  This is by the doctor’s request, not ours!

So it’s all said and done with…except the appointments themselves.  Archie will go with Riley.  I will go with Angel. 

Hints of hope are creeping in again, but I’m trying to keep them squelched.  One step at a time and right now I have a long way to go until November…

Nowhere.

Up until now bribery has had no effect in our massive attempst to potty train.  They are not interested.  Well, they ARE interested in the prize. Riley asks me at least once a week about the tinkerbell hats.

But they aren’t interested in what it takes to GET those hats.

Today I threw in the towel.

I know they’re old enough.

I know that THEY know EXACTLY what they’re doing – they are just being stubborn.

I refuse to put diapers on them.  I’m done.

I’m going to be doing a LOT more laundry during this battle of wills.

I’m hoping that treating them like big girls will make them act as such.

Either that or I’ll end up in the funny farm.

Excuse me while I go have an aneurysm.

When Riley was very young she had a wonderful tendency toward needing to be held constantly.  If you were holding her she was so content. She smiled brightly for you and coo’d…but only in your arms.  If you tried to lay her down it was all over.

Then at four months old when the horrors of GERD (reflux) reared their heads we started to lose that spark.  Our little sweet pea withdrew into a shell of near constant pain and shrieking. The smiles lessened, the coos faded…and by the time the GERD was treated and peace was restored, it was like we’d lost that spark that had lit from within her beautiful blue eyes.

Over time she grew and changed, but she was always withdrawn.  Removed from the present. In her own world.  At times it concerned us, terrified us…but we learned to accept it and cope with it.

Brief moments of sunshine and brilliance would break through the crowds.  Her brilliance at puzzles when she was a year.  Her love of the Backyardigans. Her quick learning of letters and numbers.  She astonished us.

She worried us.

The autism diagnosis confirmed our fears, and brought new ones.  But all along, we knew that the sunshine was in there. We knew that she had parents that understood as best as they could. A dad that had grown up with similar issues and fears – and we’d make sure she knew that we would always try our best to understand and accept.

Lately – Riley has been letting out more and more of that sunshine.  Her closed off and withdrawn nature has been becoming more of a side part of her nature.  In its place is a bright, sunny girl that is just brimming with personality.

When she gets mad or wounded or upset she still pulls back…and we accept them as part of who she is and help her learn to cope with them.

But when she is not mad…she laughs and giggles.  She bosses her sister around.  She bosses me around, the dog, her brother…her Daddy…anyone within hearing range.

She asks questions and gives answers.  She has learned the art of conversation – and while not always witty – it is always sparkling with her smile and bright blue eyes.

Does she talk as much as a normal 4 year old?  No…we haven’t reached that level yet – but she’s so much more than she was a year ago. 

She’s amazing.  She’s brilliant.  She’s adorable.  She’s my princess.

And I’m so thrilled to see the sunshine again.