Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for

I’ve talked about this before.  It was well over a year ago, closer to two years ago that I posted about it.  I still haven’t forgiven myself.

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with cigarettes.  I never cared for the taste of them, but I would have spurts of smoking.  I’d smoke for a few months, quit for a year, or two.  Then go back.  Then quit.  All I would have to do was think, “I’m going to stop”…and I would.

Once I started drinking I’d smoke on the rare occasions that I drank (I do mean rare).

Being a social smoker – all it took was me working in food service to really get on the smoking bandwagon.  I was drinking more too.  I was 20. I had a great group of friends that I worked with. We all smoked.

Then I got pregnant with Brandon. Before I even knew I was pregnant I quit. Suddenly the taste was even more appealing and I was done. Then I found out I was pregnant and was relieved.

It happened the same way with Riley. Before I realized I was pregnant I was done.

With Angel – I didn’t have the same good fortune. I was once again working in the restaurant biz, hanging out with my coworkers in the smoking section.  Riley was so young, so very very young, when I got the job. I was working nights. I had a newborn and I was stressed and the call of social smoking pulled me in.

I had no idea when I started smoking again that I was pregnant.

I had no idea for five and 1/2 months that I was pregnant.

I know – I have to forgive myself. After all, I DIDN’T KNOW.  But even now, with my smiling young angel, my happy, crazy, beautiful little baby here…running and playing and doing everything the other kids do.  Even now there is guilt that eats at me.

I have to forgive myself.

But what if I am the reason?  What if my smoking deprived her of enough oxygen to cause her hypotonia?

I still blame myself.

Finding forgiveness is not always easy.

Not when it’s your baby that’s hurting.

Not when you think it’s all your fault, and the forgiveness is for yourself.

I was not going to write about this because it is a very hot-button issue in our house. But for that fact alone I have to post it. This blog is about us redefining perfect in our lives – and telling how we do it. No subject should be avoided, especially the ones that cut so deep to our heart that we fight about it within our house. Because this is one of those topics w/ opposing viewpoints (at least it started that way) – I’ve asked Archie to write a post as well. I’ll post it once he has written it.

Riley started school a little over three weeks ago.

She’s 5 years old.

She’s intelligent beyond belief. Possibly even brilliant.

Socially…emotionally…well, let’s just say she’s not near as ready.

I didn’t think she was ready. Not for a classroom full of crazy kids (not that they’re insane, they’re…well, for lack of a better term…they’re normal). Not to be expected to be that same normal.

I admit to a bit a bias. Our first attempt at school was not successful. It was developmental preschool, specifically for special needs. Riley lost learning. Her behavior at home became erratic and violent. She was withdrawn before Christmas.

Now she had to go to ‘normal’ every day kindergarten…with neurotypical kids.

I wanted her evaluated first.

School said no dice – she has to be in for 6 weeks so we can see how much is normal reaction/adjustment to being in school.

It went against what my gut said – but after much debate and discussion with Archie (who believed just as strongly that she had to go into school), Riley was enrolled. Literally the day before the first day of school she was enrolled & given a teacher whom we met that very night.

We ‘warned’ her teacher, explained how Molly was. How they wouldn’t evaluate her and just gave her a heads up on what she might expect.

The next day school began.

The roller coaster ride took off so fast I couldn’t catch my breath.

Excitement. Anger. Glee. Stress. Happiness. Stubborn refusal to attend.  Joy off the bus. “I don’t want to go to school.”  “I had much fun at school.” “I miss you Mom.” More stress. Increasingly erratic behavior at home.

Every day is a struggle to get her to school. She doesn’t want to go.

Then off the bus it’s happy and chatty.

Within an hour I’m fending off the hounds of hell. Trying to keep calm.

Suddenly Riley’s aversion to loud noises is back with a bang. At school the teacher has given her leave to put herself in time-out with her own personal basket of Sensory Diversionary toys when things get ‘too loud’ or ‘too crazy’ for her.

Then we get a letter from school, informing us that they are recommending Speech Therapy for her. That (surprise of surprises) she qualifies!

Well, DUH.

The more I thought about it, the more annoyed I got.

I could have told them that.  If they’d evaluated her BEFORE school, all of that would be known.  I don’t NEED her to be forced into ‘normal’ behavior for six weeks to tell you how she’ll react and what she needs.  Don’t make me wait (at least) 6 weeks to get her what she needs. To make her teacher fumble around for (at least) 6 weeks to try to figure it out. Don’t make an innocent child suffer for 6 weeks for something I could tell you NOW. TODAY.

It’s all rotten.

And I still hate it. My gut still tells me to get her the hell out of Dodge until she’s ready.

Before my eyes she’s unraveling again. The balance we achieved has been thrown off. I don’t know if we’ll ever find it again…whether she stays in or gets out…the balance has been shifted forever.

We’re still in the middle of this process.  Decisions are being made and changed, and we’re trying to find even ground again.

If there is such a thing anymore.

I updated WordPress last week.  Monday my site broke and it has taken me this long to get it up and running again.  Problem is that I lost the past few months of posts!!  They aren’t a LOT, but it’s more than what’s here!

What REALLY ticks me off is I exported all of the files to my computer from WordPress before I upgraded.  Now when I try to import the files WordPress tells me the file is TOO BIG!!!

So yes, I’m ticked off and trying to get a restore from my webhost (not sure it will happen).  But at least I’m back up and running….sort of.

*sigh*

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Update 30 minutes later – I FIXED IT!!!  All by myself! No help from the webhost OR wordpress!!  All of my posts are back and everything is resolved!

I’ll be posting Weekly Winners on Sunday, and then trying to pick up a regular posting schedule here and at the Storylines.  Prescheduling posts should help.  AT least, that is the plan!!

Since it’s been three weeks (how did THAT happen?)…I wanted to come back with a powerful post. Since some items are a powder-keg around here, I decided to change my tactic to light-hearted (sort of) randomness…because I love me some randomness. Are you ready for this? I have so much random items I may have to split it into multiple random-gasms. Yup, I went there…

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~First and foremost I MUST blog this. It should have been blogged last week. I don’t know how days pass so quick anymore. I joined a group of awesomeness that is writing a story-blog. Each person takes a chapter and the story evolves in a fun and random fashion (yup, love me some random). So, please visit us over at …And What Happens Then… I’ll be the last person to post in this first story, but come on over and enjoy those before me! (P.S. Full credit for the idea and getting us all moving goes to the awesome Tara!)

~Last week I pulled a classic klutz move.  In trying to be helpful I fell into our crawlspace entrance hole.  I damaged myself. It didn’t feel good.  So I spent a weekend pissing and moaning. Yup, I did. Got over it and am almost all better. Still have a lingering bruise on my knee, but seeing how it started, it’s not a surprise.

~ I was doing really well on an exercise kick, but then I got a cold and then fell into the hole…so it sort of went by the way-side.  Going to try to get back on that this week.  Kick start my 200 sit-ups challenge and work w/ my Wii Fit.  I didn’t sign up for my yoga class again this time around.  Money was tight and the deadline has passed.  Plan on putting some aside for the next go-round.  I really enjoyed that. Maybe I should start walking. I’d bike, but I don’t have one. I’d like one (I know, this is where hubby tells me again to use his…)

~ Two of my three kids started school yesterday.  Brandon is now a 7th grader w/ AP Math & English, a full period for Band, and did I mention SEVENTH grade? How is that possible?  Boy do I feel old.  Riley started kindergarten.  That’s all I’ll say about that (one of the hot-button issues around here).  Instead, I’ll show these pics of her first day.

~ I’ve already started Christmas shopping.  Almost makes me sick.  But, considering the past several years we try to get it all at once and then we have no money…I figure a little here, a little there in the next few months will make it less painful in the end. I hope.

~ I’ve been continuing to write.  On that note, my husband has started as well.  He’s good. I’m jealous.  Not that I’m horrible, but he’s GOOD.  *sigh*

~ We gave Brandon our old desktop.  He’s already lost use of it (less than a week in).  Instead of coming to us to say there was an issue he randomly hit keys, then unplugged it and decided hitting F11 (restore) was a GREAT idea. So everything got wiped off the computer…AGAIN. So, until I actually get around to sitting down and fixing it/restoring lost programs, he’s w/o a computer. Then new ground rules will be set.

~Bored yet?  Yeah, I know…sorry.

~I’ve been knitting. A lot.  I go through phases…this one has hit again.  Not complaining, just always catches me off-guard.

~ We got Netflix again.  Between having it on the Wii, the DVD player, and our computers…we may never get cable again. All cable packages suck anyway and every show I want to see can be found online in some way anyway. Why pay so much?

~ I’m so into doing my girls hair now that I can.  I’m dreaming of the day it is thicker (They both have very thin hair thanks to their past/current growth issues), but we’re getting by pretty well even as it is.  It’s so much fun

Okay. I will stop boring you for now.  I have to check out my assignment lists for MamaKat’s again.  If I remember my email I don’t remember anything that REALLY caught my fancy this week. I may have to pull out one of her past ones…maybe I’ll make a bucket list this week.  I’ve always wanted to do that anyway.

So how have you all been?  You look fabulous.  Although some of you look a little groggy still…were you partying too hard at BlogHer again?  Tsk tsk…aw hell, I would’ve done the same.  You still look fabulous!

All taken w/ Canon Rebel XTi.
For week 7/12-7/18/10

This week was crazy bad (see previous post), but it also had some good things. Today is my birthday and I want it to be good, so I’m trying to remind myself to just breathe and remember the good things. These pictures help.
I did attempt to re-start project 365 this week, but I forgot on Thursday (worst day) and decided to try again next week, so hopefully that will be happening in the next few weeks. I want to get ahead of the game by a week.
I also got a new photo-editing/managing software program this week. I’m wishing I could afford the pro version when it’s time to buy, but I’m afraid it’ll not be happening this year. Either way, I’m loving my new editing software and will tell you more about soon. It’s my new best friend.

Onto the pictures!

Waiting on a train

Spanning the distance

Bridging the Gap

Lines Across the Times

Tying it all Together

Lost along the Way

Pretty Hair for a Special Day

JUST B-R-E-A-T-H-E
(This was the test that determined if she stayed home or was checked in. She just had to breathe well. She didn’t, but she breathed better than last time.  That’s my Angel’s RT in the picture with her. She always makes it fun for Angel!)

It’s a lot this week, I know…but Sunday was a good photography day. I ran out and took a little photo walk, thus the railroad theme for most of it.

Go over and visit Lotus for some more great WW’s!!!

Ever had one of those days? How about one of those weeks? Months? Years?

I’m in the middle of one of those weeks.  Coming about 4 weeks after one of those months…which is turning this into one of those years.

Let’s focus on this week.

My birthday is coming up (this Sunday).  For the past several years my bday has not been anything spectacular, and in some cases it’s flat out stunk. Not sure why, I just haven’t had the birthday Gods on my side or something.  This year is proving to be no exception.

In one week we’ve had a trifecta of appliance crap, been overcharged by WalMart Eye Center, and lost the ability to finish my deck for my bday (all I wanted for it), oh and the plants I purchased for it are pretty much dead (my fault, I shouldn’t have bought them until it was done.).

First, over the weekend the fridge died.  Freezer worked fine, fridge wouldn’t cool.  Appliance repair guy came on Wed.  Assured me w/ the statement, “It’s a $45 part.”  Then proceeded to charge me an hours labor for a 30 minute job (that’s $60, mind you), AND $40 to defrost my fridge with what sounded suspiciously like a hair dryer.

Thursday morning I went to give my two little stinky angels a bath. Oldest was washing dishes.  All of a sudden, there was no hot water. Well, crap.

I pull open the utility closet and the pilot’s out on the water heater.  At least, I think that’s the problem.  If it wasn’t, it sure became the problem when I turned the whole thing off.  Archie came home and re-lit the thing and we have hot water again.  We just aren’t sure how or why the pilot went out and hope it’s not going to crap out again all too soon.

Not four hours later I stepped outside and the Air Conditioner sounded really loud. Thinking it was odd I walked on over to find the fan not spinning.

GREAT.

On our side for that one is our neighbor is an AC guy and he came over to take a look.

But seriously?

Why does Murphy hate my birthday so much?  Or, for that matter, me?  I didn’t do anything to him.

Well, he can go to Hell.  I’m taking my birthday OFF.  I’m not going near an appliance, a vehicle, my computer, nothing that can break. I’m staying in bed and pretending it doesn’t exist.  I’m really tired of this crap storm.

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P.S. For those who haven’t seen me on twitter or FB, here’s the Angel update -

SHE’S HOME!!  No hospital stay for us!  Just as suspected, we are now officially, 100% w/o a doubt a CF family. You do not get psuedomnas if you don’t have CF.  The culture results will NOT send us into the hospital, but if they are positive we will be starting a lifetime regimen of one month on/one month off on the TOBI (inhaled antibiotic through nebulizer – very expensive stuff)…but we won’t know that for a week.  I’ll keep you posted!

P.P.S. I’ve been trying to get back into 365 by getting a week in advance done.  I’m afraid I missed yesterday w/ all the stuff going on…so it’ll be another week or two before I get those started again – but I will be participating in Weekly Winners again this week. Have a few pictures to put in once they’re edited. I have a trial version of a new photo manager/editor that I LOVE and plan to buy once we have the money. I’ll tell you about it later.

P.P.P.S. I actually have a bit to post about…but have been trying to skip days until I got more to write.  I may just blow off that idea and do a random post of stuff. Who knows….

Today is the day.

Angel goes in for her checkup after her rounds of antibiotics.  It’s time to pay the piper.  There are three possible scenarios after today.

1. Her lung functions have not gone up – hospital admittance, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
2. Her lung functions are up – go home. Get a call in a week that her sputum culture results are bad and we need to check into the hospital.
3. Her lung functions are up – go home. No further issues.

Now, obviously I want #3 to happen.  I want her lung functions up and I don’t want a call in a week ordering us back in. I want her to be clear.

I fear the worst.

Stress for Archie and I is high today.

So I turn to a show I never watch, to find a pair of beautiful young women to inspire me and give me hope.  Two sisters, Ali and Christina, both with CF (in a family of 4 children, all of whom have CF) – SINGING on America’s Got Talent. They give me joy, they give me hope, and they put me in tears every time.

*Otherwise titled “The post in which I piss people off.”

From the time our troubles started, from the time we first realized there was just something ‘off’ about Riley.  From the day We realized Angel’s torticollis was more than just a lazy neck and a heavy head.  From the day we realized Angel’s cough was going for a month and showed no signs of letting up. From the first time Angel intentionally injured herself. From the first toys Riley lined up.  Every day, every night, every in between we are aware.  We notice when Angel runs out of steam before she’s played for ten minutes.  We notice when Riley is starting to retreat into her shell. When we’re in danger of a meltdown of epic proportions.  In danger of a night of a screaming, pouting, angry Riley.

We notice it all.

We see it in the every day.

We see it in the little things.

Every action, every reaction.

It’s a part of our lives.  It is our every day.

Then you come along and say “But she looks just fine to me.”  Or “She doesn’t seem autistic.”  And of course the “She doesn’t act sick.”

I know you mean well.  Really, I do.

But I hate it when you say that.

It’s like you’re belittling our every day.

The hours at doctors and specialists.  The hours calming and refocusing an over-stimulated child (longest meltdown stands at 36 hours).  The hours a day hooked up to machines to live every day.  The way I lay awake at night listening to labored breathing. Check temperatures every time we feel a little warm.

I know you don’t mean it this way.  I know you just mean to say that despite their troubles they look healthy and happy.  That unlike other children with special needs it’s not a visible/noticeable difference.

But I hate it.

Just say they’re beautiful.  Say they have a great smile. They look like they’re having a blast.

Don’t contradict what we KNOW.  Riley does have autism (no matter how mild). Angel does have CF, and right now she is sick (and we spend every day wondering just how badly it’s holding on).

It is our every day.

We try to live life beyond our labels – and we only succeed by accepting them and integrating what they mean into our lives.

This used to be my escape.  My me time was being on the computer so much that I wore down the keys.

I’m a homebody.

A computer/internet addict.

I’m well aware of my problem, and even though the first step to recovery may be admitting you have a problem…it didn’t help me.

Once everyone is in bed, this is still my escape.  I come here every night in the quiet of my house. I write into the wee hours of the morning. Not blog posts, obviously since I’ve been so lax around here.  I write stories. Dream of publication.  All while ignoring my blog. I’ve sort of tied my avoidance of posting into the appearance of my parents on facebook, and everyone and my brother knowing my blog exists. A very public form of stage fright, if you will.  I’m trying to get over it. I miss my blog. I hope to be back here more often. That’s why I prettied the place up (loving my new layout ).

My husband doesn’t like my computer, or my internet. For many years it’s been the cause of issues.  Because my BFF is online. Because I spend so many hours on it. Because I don’t make my escape to the ‘real world’. The relationships I formed with other bloggers or non-bloggers online did not count as socialization.  He doesn’t get the camaraderie. He might not ever understand. But that’s another post entirely.

In an effort to get along better with my husband (and rest my eyes and carpal-tunnel’d wrists), and to ‘get a life’ – whatever that means, I have started to venture out of the house.

I’d joined a playgroup when the girls were young – but always balked at taking out two young’uns together w/ diaper bags and such…it was always SUCH a hassle.  Well, guess what.  They are now 95% potty trained – diaper bags are no more! (We only wear diapers at night) So I don’t go to every playdate, but we get out.

I’ve been stepping away from the computer to hang out with the neighbors.  My neighborhood is one I’ve raved about before here, on FB and twitter. It’s great for the kids, and it’s great for adults.  I’ve made good friends with my neighbor across the way, and that works for me.  Sometimes I spend the whole night away from the computer just chatting with the neighbors.

But I’ve also started to have ME time.  Not w/ the kids, not w/ Archie.  Just me.

I’ve reconnected with an old friend from high school and once a month we get together to eat, drink, and be drinky…er, merry. It’s been great to find out that even after losing touch a few years ago we still get along good and can talk for hours.  One of these months I’ll be abandoning my family for a whole night to stay at her place.

My neighbor that I connected with and I started going to Zumba together (and are now talking about going to a wine tasting together – much yummier than Zumba).  It about killed me, but it was fun. It was a six week session and I vowed to not re-sign up for it again.  I had a few issues with it (false advertising for one)…and it just wasn’t my favorite.  So now, I no longer go to class with her because she signed up for boot camp and I said “Um…NO.”  I picked two classes…sooo…

First is Yoga.

I’ve been wanting to take a yoga class for a while.  I’ve done a little in my house when we had FitTV, but I’ve wanted to do a full class session.

So on Tuesdays, for an hour and a half I’m in my Yoga class.  I had my first session on Tuesday and loved it.

My body is sore, but it was great.  The four week session is far too short, and I’m already planning on signing up for the next session once it’s posted.

Then I signed up for Body Sculpt.

I haven’t had my first class yet, and I’m a little scared.  They’re calling for 5lb weights, which I have but never used.

I’m looking forward to it. Getting back in shape is something I’ve wanted to do. I’ve bought DVD’s like crazy – but making myself do them doens’t work.  With these classes, I pay for them, I’m far more likely to do them.

So for me, I’m still using my computer – but I’m trying to not be so dependent/addicted – but I’m also trying to step out.  To get away and back into real life.  My girls are older, it’s getting easier – it’s getting harder.

I’m taking time for me.  Time away from the stresses of family. Time away from the stress of being attached to the computer.  My blogging has suffered, my writing has slowed…but I think in the end it’s better for me.  My blogging and writing will improve because of it.  Being a shut in doesn’t give you much fodder, after all.  Life experience does that

(I make this post as I plan to sit in front of the computer and pre-write nearly 5 blog posts.)

It’s that time of year.  Pollen counts are high, people are sniffling and moaning about hayfever and “allergies”.  Today everyone has allergies (it seems like).  Benadryl is over the counter, and there are more allergy meds than you can shake a stick at.

Some days I just look at everyone and laugh.  I think, “If you only knew.”

From birth until the age of three I was, by all accounts, a holy terror.  I never stopped screaming (although this is disputed by slides of me actually smiling – so it did happen).  Nothing made me happy.

When I was three years old somehow my mother found what could label the cause of my problem.

I had allergies.

Oh, but this is more than the common problem of today.  I was allergic to some very basic foods that are in EVERYTHING you eat (practically).

1. The protein in dairy.  This meant no milk, no ice cream, no cheese, no butter. Nothing related to dairy products at all.
2. Corn.  Yup, that yummy delicious food was among the list of my enemies.  No corn on the cob, no corn on Thanksgiving. Imagine the cereals I was restricted from?  Oh, and on that note:
3. Wheat.  I barely remember this one so I’m pretty sure it’s the first I outgrew.  (I only list it because my mom mentioned it in our last discussion of my little hell)
4. Cats, cat dander, don’t come near me if you have a cat.  I sort of outgrew this in highschool, but it came back w/ a vengeance right around the time I got engaged to my husband.
5. On that note, any long haired animal was evil. I still remember in first grade we had a long haired guinea pig that I wasn’t allowed near.  I always had to switch chore days w/ my BFF at the time (Hi Wendy!) when I got assigned the guinea pig.
6. Typical hayfever – pollen, dust (this one still majorly is true), mold…you know, the generics.
7. Soap. Bar soap (very much), bubble bath, shaving cream (oy, very much), body wash, deodorant (ugh. Yes, I use it).  This one is still (mostly) true. I have to be selective of my liquid soaps and I still cant use shaving cream.

Weekly I went for shots (yes, shots. Most try to treat with oral meds these days) to “Dr. Bob”.  My pediatrician and allergist extraordinaire.  I couldn’t eat anything hardly, but meat and veggies.  It was a good thing I was a freak of nature that loved my vegetables, because I HATED meat.  All I could drink was orange juice or Kool-aid, the only cereal I could have was rice crispies or oatmeal.

My cousin (hey cuz!) to this day reminds me of the days I used to eat orange juice on my oatmeal or rice crispies.  I think of those days and shudder.

I am addicted to pop nowadays because I still cannot bring myself to enjoy juice of any kind thanks to those influences. Kool-Aid is like a four letter word to me, but I’ll occasionally enjoy a Capri Sun or some pink lemonade – that’s my limit.

I eventually started to outgrow some of the allergies. Corn, thankfully, is something I enjoy frequently these days. Corn on the cob is still a favorite treat.  Wheat, I don’t know how long that lasted, but I remember enjoying sandwiches in kindergarten so it can’t have been that long.

Dairy was tricky.  I mostly outgrew it, and was drinking milk like a normal person by high school.  When I got pregnant with my son, it came roaring back.  And can I tell you something?  Don’t EVER tell the hospital you have a dairy allergy.  Otherwise your menu is seriously compromised. Anyway, with each pregnancy this sucker came roaring back w/ a vengeance and I was limited to no more than one serving of dairy a day (which I often opted for in ice cream).  Now between my allergy and my lack of a gall bladder – dairy has once again become a four-letter word to me.

Cats.  Oh, how I love cats.  I love their purr, how they curl up with you, their grace…hell, I love the musical.  Love, love, love cats. I got a cat in high school, Cali.  I was not as affected by her dander as most other cats. Then we adopted Jazzy from my brother, and learned that I still had issues, but it was tolerable.  We moved and eventually switched cats, and once again proved that I tolerate some cats better than others.  Then I went to visit my cuz in NY.  She had a huge ball of fur…Seriously, the cat was super-fluffy long hair.  By the time I left her house 2 days later I could barely breath (after hogging her inhaler the whole time I was there)…got home and ended up in the hospital.  Now, no cat is tolerable once again.

The worst these days is the soap/deodorant issue.  Yes, I do use these things, I’m not a horrible pig.  But I have to be VERY picky.  I cannot use bar soap, of any kind.  I don’t know what it is about forming the bar that does it, but I react every time.  I have to use certain liquid soaps or shower gels. I CAN’T use shaving cream. I’ve ‘dry shaved’ since I was 11.  It sucks.  Then there’s deodorant. I have to switch about every six months to a year. I develop an allergy the longer  I use a brand. I think I’ve been through almost every brand on the market and it’s time to switch again. Looks like I’m moving to the men’s aisle.

Needless to say, I don’t know how my mom did it.  She should have put me in a bubble and fed me a liquid diet and be done with me.  I was blessed to not have any kids w/ allergies beyond hayfever.  For the almost two years we dealt w/ just a dairy allergy in Riley (who, thankfully has no issues now), I was at my wits end trying to find foods she could eat.

I admire my mom for the struggle she had