By this point we all know what a bucket list is.  Many have made one, and I got to thinking this would be fun.  On that note, I’m not sure I can come up with 100 things to do before I die – plus that seems so (hopefully) far away at this point.  I thought I’d try to narrow it down to 45 things to do before I turn 45.  With a bit over 10 years before I hit that marker, I hope nothing is too ambitious!

45 X 45

1. Take a real vacation. (Not to Buffalo, not w/ the kids)
2. Take my kids to Disney World.
3. See my name in print.
4. Have a novel published.
5. Get a degree (this is following up on a long ago promise made – I must keep it)
6. Get back to my target weight.
7. Take a photography class (or 2 or 3)
8. Perform on stage again
9. See Colorado
10. Camp – really camp in the Rockies
11. See Yellowstone
12. Grow my own garden.
13. Go to a blogger’s conference.
14. Go to a writer’s conference
15. Get on a regular exercise regime & stay on it for more than 3 months
16. Take my dad to see a show on Broadway
17. Make a complete Victorian era dress from skin out. (underthings complete, corset 50% complete)
18. Help Archie find his birth mother.
19. Read the Little House series aloud to my girls.
20. Learn how to draw
21. Get on a bike – and use it regularly
22. Pay my house off (long shot – but I can dream)
23. Get a car that is less than 2 years old
24. Have my feet fixed so I can…
25. Run a 5k (or in the mini here in Indy)
26. See the butterflies at the Indy Zoo (I always seem to miss them)
27. Be a reenactor at Conner Prairie
28. Swim with dolphins
29. Go on a hot air balloon ride
30. Play the piano again (translation – GET one)
31. Ride a horse – not a trail horse. A real ride on a horse.
32. Volunteer at Angel’s CF clinic
33. Stop drinking pop
34. Make my house beautiful (landscaping, decorating inside, everything)
35. Get a tattoo
36. Go on an Alaskan Cruise
37. Go on a wine tasting tour
38. Go white water rafting
39. Take my husband to swim with whale sharks
40. Fly first class
41. Read at least 50 of the 100 Greatest Novels
42. Have a real spa day
43. Visit a real haunted location
44. Sell a photo
45. Visit Salem, MA

That’s it for now.  I’ll cross things off as I get them done.  I’ll also be making a page for the list and adding to it as I think of things I’d like to do – for a full true bucket list!

Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for

I’ve talked about this before.  It was well over a year ago, closer to two years ago that I posted about it.  I still haven’t forgiven myself.

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with cigarettes.  I never cared for the taste of them, but I would have spurts of smoking.  I’d smoke for a few months, quit for a year, or two.  Then go back.  Then quit.  All I would have to do was think, “I’m going to stop”…and I would.

Once I started drinking I’d smoke on the rare occasions that I drank (I do mean rare).

Being a social smoker – all it took was me working in food service to really get on the smoking bandwagon.  I was drinking more too.  I was 20. I had a great group of friends that I worked with. We all smoked.

Then I got pregnant with Brandon. Before I even knew I was pregnant I quit. Suddenly the taste was even more appealing and I was done. Then I found out I was pregnant and was relieved.

It happened the same way with Riley. Before I realized I was pregnant I was done.

With Angel – I didn’t have the same good fortune. I was once again working in the restaurant biz, hanging out with my coworkers in the smoking section.  Riley was so young, so very very young, when I got the job. I was working nights. I had a newborn and I was stressed and the call of social smoking pulled me in.

I had no idea when I started smoking again that I was pregnant.

I had no idea for five and 1/2 months that I was pregnant.

I know – I have to forgive myself. After all, I DIDN’T KNOW.  But even now, with my smiling young angel, my happy, crazy, beautiful little baby here…running and playing and doing everything the other kids do.  Even now there is guilt that eats at me.

I have to forgive myself.

But what if I am the reason?  What if my smoking deprived her of enough oxygen to cause her hypotonia?

I still blame myself.

Finding forgiveness is not always easy.

Not when it’s your baby that’s hurting.

Not when you think it’s all your fault, and the forgiveness is for yourself.

I was not going to write about this because it is a very hot-button issue in our house. But for that fact alone I have to post it. This blog is about us redefining perfect in our lives – and telling how we do it. No subject should be avoided, especially the ones that cut so deep to our heart that we fight about it within our house. Because this is one of those topics w/ opposing viewpoints (at least it started that way) – I’ve asked Archie to write a post as well. I’ll post it once he has written it.

Riley started school a little over three weeks ago.

She’s 5 years old.

She’s intelligent beyond belief. Possibly even brilliant.

Socially…emotionally…well, let’s just say she’s not near as ready.

I didn’t think she was ready. Not for a classroom full of crazy kids (not that they’re insane, they’re…well, for lack of a better term…they’re normal). Not to be expected to be that same normal.

I admit to a bit a bias. Our first attempt at school was not successful. It was developmental preschool, specifically for special needs. Riley lost learning. Her behavior at home became erratic and violent. She was withdrawn before Christmas.

Now she had to go to ‘normal’ every day kindergarten…with neurotypical kids.

I wanted her evaluated first.

School said no dice – she has to be in for 6 weeks so we can see how much is normal reaction/adjustment to being in school.

It went against what my gut said – but after much debate and discussion with Archie (who believed just as strongly that she had to go into school), Riley was enrolled. Literally the day before the first day of school she was enrolled & given a teacher whom we met that very night.

We ‘warned’ her teacher, explained how Molly was. How they wouldn’t evaluate her and just gave her a heads up on what she might expect.

The next day school began.

The roller coaster ride took off so fast I couldn’t catch my breath.

Excitement. Anger. Glee. Stress. Happiness. Stubborn refusal to attend.  Joy off the bus. “I don’t want to go to school.”  “I had much fun at school.” “I miss you Mom.” More stress. Increasingly erratic behavior at home.

Every day is a struggle to get her to school. She doesn’t want to go.

Then off the bus it’s happy and chatty.

Within an hour I’m fending off the hounds of hell. Trying to keep calm.

Suddenly Riley’s aversion to loud noises is back with a bang. At school the teacher has given her leave to put herself in time-out with her own personal basket of Sensory Diversionary toys when things get ‘too loud’ or ‘too crazy’ for her.

Then we get a letter from school, informing us that they are recommending Speech Therapy for her. That (surprise of surprises) she qualifies!

Well, DUH.

The more I thought about it, the more annoyed I got.

I could have told them that.  If they’d evaluated her BEFORE school, all of that would be known.  I don’t NEED her to be forced into ‘normal’ behavior for six weeks to tell you how she’ll react and what she needs.  Don’t make me wait (at least) 6 weeks to get her what she needs. To make her teacher fumble around for (at least) 6 weeks to try to figure it out. Don’t make an innocent child suffer for 6 weeks for something I could tell you NOW. TODAY.

It’s all rotten.

And I still hate it. My gut still tells me to get her the hell out of Dodge until she’s ready.

Before my eyes she’s unraveling again. The balance we achieved has been thrown off. I don’t know if we’ll ever find it again…whether she stays in or gets out…the balance has been shifted forever.

We’re still in the middle of this process.  Decisions are being made and changed, and we’re trying to find even ground again.

If there is such a thing anymore.

Day 02 – Something you love about yourself

On the surface, this should be so much easier to write. In fact, it’s the opposite. As a person that’s normally very hard on myself, it’s more difficult to find something to love.  That, and I always feel like I sound so vain when I try to talk myself up! But, this is all about truth.

I love my intelligence.

I don’t claim to know everything, or something about everything. I do know a lot about some things, and a little about others.

I love that I love to learn and that I firmly believe knowledge is power. The worst part about any situation I get into is the unknown.  Until I have facts, until I can research I feel like I flounder around.

I miss being in school.  Not because of the people – socially I was inept, still am in many ways.  No, I miss going to school for learning. Getting assigned things that I HAD to learn about. To give my mind the challenge of learning something new. Homework. Tests. Grades.

Yes, I’m strange. I’m a geek, a nerd, a bookworm.  But I own it. I love it.

I love knowing that when Brandon comes to me with a question about his homework (or I should say IF he ever did…kid’s as smart as I ever was)…I’d likely know the answer – or how to help him find it.

I love that I love to read. To write. To do problems (word, math…just not physics, they were sooo annoying).

Knowledge is power.

My intelligence gives me power and strength. To get through every day. To redefine this idea of perfection.

All taken w/ Canon Rebel XTi.
For week 8/15-8/21/10

Perfect Pluot
These were so delicious in a cobbler

Run Forrest!!

Finish Forrest!!

FLIRT Forrest!!!

Reach for the sky

Simply Handsome
Not one lick of editing except for size on this sucker. Is my nephew, “Poochee”.

Check out the rest of the weekly winners over at Lotus‘ place!!

When Brandon was young he played soccer. He was scared of getting hit, but he could run across that field. He loved it, but it got insanely expensive to play so we backed off.

Enter middle school – the boy wants to play a sport.  He chooses Cross Country.

By the skin of our teeth we got him in for a physical in time…and he started the same day (two Monday’s ago).

Thursday he was in his first meet.  I was so proud of him!  I’ve never had a good stamina for running, and I envy his persistence at it.  They run almost 2 miles in middle school meets – and the kid forgot his inhaler!

But he did it!

Not only did he run the full length of the meet looking just a bit winded at the end – he came in 20th place AND beat his best time by over 2 minutes!

Then after it was all said and done…he still had time to flirt…with TWO girls…
That girl in black? The opposing team.  The girl in red?  He says he USED to like her, but now she’s just a friend.

Yup. that’s my boy.

It’s the eyes.  The kid has melt-worthy blue eyes. I’m in SO much trouble now that he’s noticing girls.

Oy, the headaches of a near-teen.

So yes…a VERY proud Mama ready for the next meet!!

This “30 Days of Truth” is making the rounds of the blogosphere.  I saw it over at Garibay Soup first (which is now the beautiful Enchanting Havoc).  I thought it sounded like a neat idea, and a way to examine myself and fill the days when I do not have any posts.  Especially since lately it seems like my life is totally swamped.

I will not be doing the 30 days in succession.  I’ll be putting it in between regular posts and my 365 project which I have finally actually been actively doing (I wanted to wait until I’d done several weeks successively before I started posting).

If you want to take part in this 30 days project (which is my first of several, I found others to do as well) – head on over HERE to find a list of all 30 days.  Some look easier than others, but I’m doing them in order!!  So without further ado…

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Day 01 – Something you hate about yourself

“Hate” is such a strong word, but still I can think of a few things to add to the list.  The thing I hate most is my lack of will-power/ability to follow through.

I’m the person with a ton of ideas.  Projects, crafts, decorating, personal and kids.

I want to better myself – I’m going to start exercising.
I want to better my house – look at these ideas & projects I have in mind.
I want to make these things – look at my pile of supplies in my craft cabinet.
I am so very angry/hurt, I’m going to tell this person exactly how I feel – oh look at my yellow-belly. The chicken-shit runs away from confrontation again.

Unfinished tasks and projects litter my house.  My tummy is still I-had-3-kids-2-in-rapid-succession-loose.  My excuses are vast and varied.  Money, time, I got sick.  My first attempt at prject 365 ended at #7. College was an unfinished joke.

The only thing I’ve seen through is my writing (1 book written, 1 series 2/3 done)…and my marriage (a very important seeing-it-through thing, admittedly).

I hate that part of myself.  The one that doesn’t finish what I start.  That sees everything through to the end.  That doesn’t give up because of fear, failure, or just plain laziness.

Every year I resolve to change and get better.  And every year it comes back and laughs in my face, leaving me back to hating it again and not sure how to rid myself of it forever.

All taken w/ Canon Rebel XTi.
For week 8/15-8/21/10

Many pictures this week. I got very camera happy.

Angel & I went to the local park and took a walk along some of the trails.  While there we happened upon a little hidden area in the trails that had a ton of butterfly’s and dragonfly’s!!  Here’s just a few of my absolute fav’s:

In Flight

Kissing Cousins

Glorious Green

Then Archie & I went to the fair to see a show…
Midway

Lights on the Midway

Hilariously Fabulous w/ a Guitar

JEFF DUNHAM!!!

With Walter

And Achmed

Peanut, of course

JOSE (On a stick)

And a special treat. A new act, DIANE (loved her!!)

Jeff put on a GREAT show, we LOVED him!!  So glad we bought the tickets soon as we saw that he was coming to Indy!!

And the last few pics, I promise….

Frills

Fabulous Ribbons

Fabulous Fun Locks

Okay, that’s it!!  For this week, at least!!  Been taking a lot more pictures, so narrowing them down is getting harder…although I might have done better this week if I didn’t want to get all of Jeff in there!  I would have had more, because I met with some great blogging ladies tonight, but I’m saving that for another post!

For more Weekly Winners, head over to Lotus‘ and enjoy!!

I updated WordPress last week.  Monday my site broke and it has taken me this long to get it up and running again.  Problem is that I lost the past few months of posts!!  They aren’t a LOT, but it’s more than what’s here!

What REALLY ticks me off is I exported all of the files to my computer from WordPress before I upgraded.  Now when I try to import the files WordPress tells me the file is TOO BIG!!!

So yes, I’m ticked off and trying to get a restore from my webhost (not sure it will happen).  But at least I’m back up and running….sort of.

*sigh*

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Update 30 minutes later – I FIXED IT!!!  All by myself! No help from the webhost OR wordpress!!  All of my posts are back and everything is resolved!

I’ll be posting Weekly Winners on Sunday, and then trying to pick up a regular posting schedule here and at the Storylines.  Prescheduling posts should help.  AT least, that is the plan!!

Since it’s been three weeks (how did THAT happen?)…I wanted to come back with a powerful post. Since some items are a powder-keg around here, I decided to change my tactic to light-hearted (sort of) randomness…because I love me some randomness. Are you ready for this? I have so much random items I may have to split it into multiple random-gasms. Yup, I went there…

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~First and foremost I MUST blog this. It should have been blogged last week. I don’t know how days pass so quick anymore. I joined a group of awesomeness that is writing a story-blog. Each person takes a chapter and the story evolves in a fun and random fashion (yup, love me some random). So, please visit us over at …And What Happens Then… I’ll be the last person to post in this first story, but come on over and enjoy those before me! (P.S. Full credit for the idea and getting us all moving goes to the awesome Tara!)

~Last week I pulled a classic klutz move.  In trying to be helpful I fell into our crawlspace entrance hole.  I damaged myself. It didn’t feel good.  So I spent a weekend pissing and moaning. Yup, I did. Got over it and am almost all better. Still have a lingering bruise on my knee, but seeing how it started, it’s not a surprise.

~ I was doing really well on an exercise kick, but then I got a cold and then fell into the hole…so it sort of went by the way-side.  Going to try to get back on that this week.  Kick start my 200 sit-ups challenge and work w/ my Wii Fit.  I didn’t sign up for my yoga class again this time around.  Money was tight and the deadline has passed.  Plan on putting some aside for the next go-round.  I really enjoyed that. Maybe I should start walking. I’d bike, but I don’t have one. I’d like one (I know, this is where hubby tells me again to use his…)

~ Two of my three kids started school yesterday.  Brandon is now a 7th grader w/ AP Math & English, a full period for Band, and did I mention SEVENTH grade? How is that possible?  Boy do I feel old.  Riley started kindergarten.  That’s all I’ll say about that (one of the hot-button issues around here).  Instead, I’ll show these pics of her first day.

~ I’ve already started Christmas shopping.  Almost makes me sick.  But, considering the past several years we try to get it all at once and then we have no money…I figure a little here, a little there in the next few months will make it less painful in the end. I hope.

~ I’ve been continuing to write.  On that note, my husband has started as well.  He’s good. I’m jealous.  Not that I’m horrible, but he’s GOOD.  *sigh*

~ We gave Brandon our old desktop.  He’s already lost use of it (less than a week in).  Instead of coming to us to say there was an issue he randomly hit keys, then unplugged it and decided hitting F11 (restore) was a GREAT idea. So everything got wiped off the computer…AGAIN. So, until I actually get around to sitting down and fixing it/restoring lost programs, he’s w/o a computer. Then new ground rules will be set.

~Bored yet?  Yeah, I know…sorry.

~I’ve been knitting. A lot.  I go through phases…this one has hit again.  Not complaining, just always catches me off-guard.

~ We got Netflix again.  Between having it on the Wii, the DVD player, and our computers…we may never get cable again. All cable packages suck anyway and every show I want to see can be found online in some way anyway. Why pay so much?

~ I’m so into doing my girls hair now that I can.  I’m dreaming of the day it is thicker (They both have very thin hair thanks to their past/current growth issues), but we’re getting by pretty well even as it is.  It’s so much fun

Okay. I will stop boring you for now.  I have to check out my assignment lists for MamaKat’s again.  If I remember my email I don’t remember anything that REALLY caught my fancy this week. I may have to pull out one of her past ones…maybe I’ll make a bucket list this week.  I’ve always wanted to do that anyway.

So how have you all been?  You look fabulous.  Although some of you look a little groggy still…were you partying too hard at BlogHer again?  Tsk tsk…aw hell, I would’ve done the same.  You still look fabulous!